Well, it is officially spooky season, so I figured today I might tell you a recent tale to shiver your bones, as we all want to do this time of year. But beware, for this story Is filled with much horrific imagery! Please flee this post if you don’t feel you have the stomach for it!
If you are still with us, intrepid reader, follow along as I recant the gory details of this tale … immediately followed by a more concise (possibly more accurate) interpretation of the same events 😉.
Our story begins …
like all good spooky tales, during a dreary, gray, and chill-filled time of year in the suburban midwest…
… on a random October, Wednesday in my neighborhood
In the smokey distance sits a seemingly quiet laboratory. As we come closer it becomes clear that this is no innocuous lab. The lights flicker in time with the beating hearts of those who dare approach. For only the brave have ever stepped foot inside to witness the proceedings. This lab had been known to a select few as a place where experimentation had been performed on the children of the neighborhood…
… at my son’s preschool
We soon find that a small group of the laboratory’s “guests” are at the height of a chilling experiment challenging the darkest sides of the biological spectrum. Horrific, and unspeakable mutations incubating in the unsuspecting young humans who are a mere vessel for the terrors to be unleashed on this quiet town…
… my son and his school-mates are “socializing” over a bin of Legos
The infection is grows
Just as the experiment was beginning to show the fruit of its misaligned labor, our small group of experimentees fled from their bindings, narrowly evaded their sterilized captors, and escaped the unspeakable horrors they had been subjected to for months while their parents were left begging for answers…
… the bell rings and they are let out
Back into the safety of their loved ones, one particular family is reunited. However, this unsuspecting family was about to understand the full measure of the horrors that went on inside that lab. Blissfully unaware of the extent of the damages, they long to return to the normalcy of their daily lives and put this tragedy behind them.
… we bring our son home for some Doritos™ and PBJs despite noticing a small sniffle
The infection is unleashed!
Seemingly no worse for the wearer, the child moves on with the mundane platitudes of adolescent life. All the while, the infection was gaining strength, working its way slowly through the immune system of its tiny sentinel. Mere hours away from unleashing what can only be described as vile, thick, green, oozing liquid matter from every facial orifice of its host. Ravaging its first infectee, hereto referred to as Patient 0
… that night he wakes up with a fever, and an insanely unneccessary amount of snot and mucus
Fuelled by the infection’s unwavering thirst, there is little resemblance of the child left as it has fully taken control. It begins its quest, relentlessly torturing any human within a 50-foot radius with the same agony and horrific conditions. No mortal is spared, and no surface is free from infection. In quick order, it has taken down everyone and every THING in its path!
… and we all got it.
Is there no hero out there?
It’s at this point in other stories where we would find that one of the brave child experimentees would have shown remarkable resistance to the infection. One where a single child would become the hope of saving humanity as one-by-one each person is brought down by this disease. We could extract cures from their biological makeup and restore this town to its former vitality.
But, my dear reader, this is NOT one of those stories. This infection is far too strong, and unrelenting. All who encounter it meet their peril. In the end there is nobody left as it tirelessly executed it’s will and only reason for existence … human torture.
… this weekend sucked!
My only hope, in recanting the horrors of this story, is to serve as a cautionary tale about protecting your children from the terrors of these types of labs. There is no happy ending, so the only course of action is to prevent history from repeating in a similarly twisted way. Take heed my warning, no good can come of those places. Keep your children far, FAR away from them!
… preschools are a disease factory!
Author’s postscript
That’s right, if you followed that, we all got sick this past weekend with RSV. Now instead of dressing up in our Sonic characters, we get to go as “shit-kabobs” (4 piles of crap, lifelessly sitting inline on the couch feeling miserable) instead. Send chocolate … and ‘tussin … and probably some adult beverages too! Thanks!